the art of a heartbreak mix tape

I heard Christina Perri's 'Jar of Hearts' the other night on my way home from Tescos and was taken by the line 'you're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul' which sprang out from the dirge...

So I google it & I watched the video

so marvellously melodramtic with a heart broken Christina watching a dementor of an ex boyf sucking the hearts out of various generic girls with a kiss, which is pretty awful in itself and then they start doing the expressive dance section of the promo - I nearly wet myself.


It reminded me of teenage angst and lost loves.  Many a times I've compiled a mix tape to convey my sorrow & then played it over and over to torture myself further.  Mr DOAMADQ had no idea what I was talking about when I said 'you know, when you listen to music to make youself cry...' No?  Just me then...

Top of my last tear stained tape was the Cranberries take your pick from No Need to Argue or Linger, Sinaead O'Connor's Nothing Compares , what ever was 'our' song would definately have featured too...

If I had to compile a weapy 'playlist' (how modern) today what would I put on it? Hmmn, am not sure if Christina Perri would make it.  However, Adele's  'Someone Like You' would would have to be there.  Such a beautifuly haunting song it makes me cry with empathy almost every time I listen to it. 

Now pass me some tissues & where are my jazz shoes? I feel some expressive dance moves coming on...

breakdown in communication

My beautiful new(ish) phone is broken.

Obviously I have no insurance for it so there is no new phone for free :(

I want to cry.  I did this, I am an idiot.  Rationally I know it’s just a thing but it is my thing & in my world there aren’t that many of those really these days.

Mr DOMADQ has quite rightly pointed out I still have my old phone so all is not lost but (and I feel like I am adopting a teenage whinge) Facebook isn’t working on it and neither is the internet.  Obviously neither are life threatening ailments but still…..*sticks out bottom lip*

Being my hero Mr D has just rushed off into town to try & buy me a new one.  He says he’s not cross with me (but I would be), I do know he wishes I could ‘just make do with what I have at the moment’ and I’m not really certain why I can’t because that would definitely be the sensible thing to do.  But am not feeling sensible, am feeling like  a teenage 37 year old and I am sulking.

Your name was DEBORAH....

I went to see Pulp at Hyde Park last week and came to the following conclusions:


1.  They are still amazing live. 


2. Even though Jarvis now has a beard I still would.


3.  I definately do not like crowds (this was compounded by 2 dickheads behind me who I seriously contemplated whether I would be able to 'have them' if need be - on reflection I still maintain I would)


4.  Bar Italia is my all time favourite Pulp song (but would have loved to have heard Lipgloss)


5. Despite feeling 22 again whilst moshing in the crowd I definately am not any more (and then felt 102 on Monday morning)

looking for happiness in the fridge

I know that it’s not behind the jam or at the back of the top shelf icing up because it’s touching the back.  I know this and still I seem to look for it in there.  Cheese doesn’t make me happy nor ham or even the chocolate shoved in the back of the shelf in the door.  Eat and eat and the hole isn’t filled it just seems to open a black hole where my happiness should sit.

Food will not pay the bills, stop the children from squabbling, calm my husband down, tidy the house, do my work or even make me happy and yet I turn to it again and again.

I wish I could go cold turkey but  you can’t just  stop eating.  I have to eat for fuel but it’s the eating for other reasons that gets me into trouble.

I am trying.  I am. It’s just sometimes I can’t do it and it’s how I cope with stress, boredom, anxiety, sadness.  This is something I have done for years.  I am scared.  I don’t know how to stop and if I do stop what will be left?  Just me and that scares me too.

The List

My List

James McAvoy (gorgeous & Scottish - always a bonus)

Robbie Williams

Jarvis Cocker circa 1993 (so beautiful in the Babies video)

Daniel Craig (hmmn, a ginger, who’d have thought it?)

David Tennant (pre Dr Who)

Robert Downey Jr

Mr DOMADQ's List

Sigourney Weaver at the end of Alien in the vest

Melanie Griffiths in Working Girl

Kelly Brook (if his response to her photo in the paper at the weekend is anything to go by – so predictable)

Nancy Allen

Pippa Middleton (her bottom is being mentioned a lot these days)

a reunion

Me, Mr DOMADQ & our 2 small girls have been invited to a mini reunion with some university friends of mine.  A weekend by the sea, how marvellous I hear you cry.  Yes, I cannot wait to meet up with the old crowd it will be lots of fun.  The only fly in the ointment being that this crowd are all friends of my ex boyfriend, and yes, he will be going too.  I now feel out of place, do I really belong there?  Am I an imposter in their group? I wasn't even in their year...


I have not seen this man for about 14 years.  This relationship did not end well, I had my heart well and truely broken & did not really recover until I met Mr DOMADQ.  He is the ghost of boyfriends past.


I have no doubt that it will be cordial but I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of it now I know he is going.


I have 2 months to lose 6 stone - that is never going to happen.  I so want him to see me happy & sorted (when he last saw me I was a bit of a mess).  I want to look fabulous and I want him to feel sorry.  I don't want him to want me, I want him to be sorry.  I want him to say sorry.  Sorry for the way he dumped me, sorry that he then spent a summer picking me up & dropping me over and over and over because he knew I wouldn't say no.  Sorry for being such a shit that when I called to tell him that my Dad had died that he then tried to get me to go out for a drink with him (despite he being married to his 1st wife then and my having a boyfriend)...


I think I feel so uneasy because despite being married for 9 years, the scars of a stupid 6 month relationship are still in there somewhere. He will never be my friend because friends don't hurt each other like that.  So maybe he is the imposter among my friends.