Friday, 10 June 2011

looking for happiness in the fridge

I know that it’s not behind the jam or at the back of the top shelf icing up because it’s touching the back.  I know this and still I seem to look for it in there.  Cheese doesn’t make me happy nor ham or even the chocolate shoved in the back of the shelf in the door.  Eat and eat and the hole isn’t filled it just seems to open a black hole where my happiness should sit.

Food will not pay the bills, stop the children from squabbling, calm my husband down, tidy the house, do my work or even make me happy and yet I turn to it again and again.
I wish I could go cold turkey but  you can’t just  stop eating.  I have to eat for fuel but it’s the eating for other reasons that gets me into trouble.

I am trying.  I am. It’s just sometimes I can’t do it and it’s how I cope with stress, boredom, anxiety, sadness.  This is something I have done for years.  I am scared.  I don’t know how to stop and if I do stop what will be left?  Just me and that scares me too.

The List

My List
James McAvoy (gorgeous & Scottish - always a bonus)
Robbie Williams
Jarvis Cocker circa 1993 (so beautiful in the Babies video)
Daniel Craig (hmmn, a ginger, who’d have thought it?)
David Tennant (pre Dr Who)
Robert Downey Jr

Mr DOMADQ's List
Sigourney Weaver at the end of Alien in the vest
Melanie Griffiths in Working Girl
Kelly Brook (if his response to her photo in the paper at the weekend is anything to go by – so predictable)
Nancy Allen
Pippa Middleton (her bottom is being mentioned a lot these days)

a reunion

Me, Mr DOMADQ & our 2 small girls have been invited to a mini reunion with some university friends of mine.  A weekend by the sea, how marvellous I hear you cry.  Yes, I cannot wait to meet up with the old crowd it will be lots of fun.  The only fly in the ointment being that this crowd are all friends of my ex boyfriend, and yes, he will be going too.  I now feel out of place, do I really belong there?  Am I an imposter in their group? I wasn't even in their year...

I have not seen this man for about 14 years.  This relationship did not end well, I had my heart well and truely broken & did not really recover until I met Mr DOMADQ.  He is the ghost of boyfriends past.

I have no doubt that it will be cordial but I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of it now I know he is going.

I have 2 months to lose 6 stone - that is never going to happen.  I so want him to see me happy & sorted (when he last saw me I was a bit of a mess).  I want to look fabulous and I want him to feel sorry.  I don't want him to want me, I want him to be sorry.  I want him to say sorry.  Sorry for the way he dumped me, sorry that he then spent a summer picking me up & dropping me over and over and over because he knew I wouldn't say no.  Sorry for being such a shit that when I called to tell him that my Dad had died that he then tried to get me to go out for a drink with him (despite he being married to his 1st wife then and my having a boyfriend)...

I think I feel so uneasy because despite being married for 9 years, the scars of a stupid 6 month relationship are still in there somewhere. He will never be my friend because friends don't hurt each other like that.  So maybe he is the imposter among my friends.