What do I do now?

(note - this was written in September 2021.  I then I had an attack of paranoia about whether someone from my old work may be able to find this so I took it down again.  Have realized I was just being paranoid because they wont, but even if they did I haven't said anything that isn't true)

This week has been a momentous week. Last Wednesday I turned 48, finally feeling like I've grown into my moniker (started as a joke as my husband was forever telling me we were old in our 30's and the fact my sister called me a f**king drama queen during an argument - heh, that was from her!). I woke up feeling old, for the first time ever. 

Today, following a week of annual leave, I went back to work. Prior to my week off I was pretty stressed it had been manic and I was struggling to get the information I needed from colleagues. I got into work and one of the bosses called me, suggesting we have a catch up. we tried zoom but his zoom needed updating, he is quite impatient, he can’t wait for that so he called me back.

 "It's not working out is it?" he tells me “can I clear my desk, hand my keys in to a colleague.  They will pay me to the end of the month”.   Oh, so this is what being sacked feels like. 

 I haven't made any big mistake but I've made some small ones. Some typos in emails, a misfiled invoice, a credit note filed in September when he thinks it should have been in August (this credit note did fall into the latter month because of when it was issued - "do I know what a credit note is?!" - yes, of course I do). 

 I have sealed my fate with 1000 papercuts. 

He “is sorry, I AM lovely, it's been lovely to work with me” - hollow laugh "that’s obviously not true is it?"  “It isn’t me, it’s them, the job is hard, it’s vast, they are part of the problem and they need someone to take it all in hand” and me, in my 11 months there, I haven’t  managed to do it. 

 I am devastated. I really care. I feel like I have let them down. 

I am relieved, small company means small company politics where a typo is screen grabbed and then WhatsApp’d to a group to comment “please can you be more careful in future” so everyone can see you being chastised.  I can live without that.

 I am fucking furious. The job is is hard work but it isn't hard. I battled to get information out of them. I pretty much had no training at all. Lately one of their wives has been in the office to help me but it was sporadic, I never knew what days she'd be in, and she would fanny about doing stuff for the website, send a few emails and tell them off when she could see when they weren't communicating. 

At one point one of the bosses told me part of my job was to earwig and read people's minds, a joke I thought at the time, but maybe not? So what I had a typo in an email. They have both done the same or made a mistake on a rota or accidentally  double  booked people (which I spotted and fixed). 

The problem is I wasn’t keeping score.  

I started this job mid pandemic and everyone but me got furloughed a mere weeks into me starting. When I was told to shield I was furloughed for a month on reduced pay (despite me knowing that others on furlough were on 100%, I was the one emailing the payroll across for processing). I didn’t get a chance to become part of the gang so was forever on the edges. I think this is the problem. 

 So I was in work at 9.25. I was home by about 10.15 having cleared my desk and driven home weeping.

 And now what? I'm lucky I don't need to rush and get any job, I can be choosier. But I have no idea what I want to do now. 

My husband suggested I do a course.  

My sister suggested I speak to a life coach.

I just want to curl up in a ball. I feel ashamed and old and useless and I have no idea what I want to do now I'm a grown up.