waiting for news

My mum has her appointment with the consultant today and will be getting the results of her biopsies. She insisted going on her own, despite protestations from my sisters & me, she wanted to go alone she said she is better dealing with things on her own.  The appointment was at 3pm and still no word.  I guess no news is...not good news but, no news. 

I can't stand the waiting.  I am not a very patient person, I get this from my mother.  I remember being out shopping with her, she pressed the button for the lift and when it didn't arrive immediately she exclaimed 'Oh for gods sake!' (it had been approximately 10 seconds)

The waiting is killing me.  I cannot concentrate on anything today.  Luckily or maybe not so luckily today is my day off & the writing group I should have been at this morning I couldn't go to as my biggest girl is off sick (running hot, headache, your standard cold really - as an aside I can't believe I let her have a day off with a cold, I literally had to be half dead to get a day of sick when I was younger.  My mum would feel my head, and state without even looking at me 'You're not running a temperature'.  This has stayed with me as even as an adult I would feel like death warmed up but would be saying to my colleagues 'Am I hot?  Am I running a temperature?' needing a 'grown up' to tell me to go home if I were ill.)

Over the past week I have desperately tried to avoid crossing any bridges (a favourite occupation of my mum & sister's).  We must not get ahead of ourselves has been my mantra.  My mum has been really worrying about whether she will lose her hair - her worst nightmare - but, as I keep saying we don't know what we're dealing with yet.  She didn't need chemotherapy last time, she may not need it now. 

Talking to a friend earlier I was trying to explain how I feel about it all.  The not knowing is the worst bit.  I know that when we know what we're dealing with we can get on with it.  We can make practical plans and put things into action.  That is the eye of the storm.  The waiting beforehand and the fallout afterwards are far worse as you are dreading the worst & when you fall apart a bit as you realise what you've just been through.  But somewhere in the middle when you're just getting on with things is calmer.  At the moment I know the storm is coming I just don't know when it is going to hit

Trying to practice what I preach

3 years ago my mum called me when I was at a playgroup with my youngest girl to tell me that on her routine mammogram they had found some abnormalities.  It seemed to come completely out of the blue.  Yes there was a history of breast cancer in the family and yes she has yearly screening but this blindsided me.  

I had a moment like Roy Schneider on the beach in Jaws where my world fell away from me.  A lovely lovely lady from the church running the playgroup who I didn't know came up to me and put her arm around me and talked.  Believe it or not I find it incredibly hard to talk about my feelings but this lady really helped me at a desperate time.  

She had to have a biopsy & we found out for definite that it was cancer on Christmas Eve that year (which seemed the cruelest thing of all) and mum had her op in early January.  Followed by radium treatment and medication.  So far so good.  All found and dealt with in a straightforward way.  

But this afternoon Mum called again.  She had her 6th monthly mammogram today and they've found a lump.  She has to go and have a scan tomorrow to try & work out what it is.  I've been knocked for six again.  I never do see these things coming do I? 

I'm trying so hard not to worry.  To cross that bridge when I get to it.  To not stress until I know there is something to stress about but I am finding it so hard tonight.  

Please let this be OK.  Please let her be all right.