waiting for news

My mum has her appointment with the consultant today and will be getting the results of her biopsies. She insisted going on her own, despite protestations from my sisters & me, she wanted to go alone she said she is better dealing with things on her own.  The appointment was at 3pm and still no word.  I guess no news is...not good news but, no news. 

I can't stand the waiting.  I am not a very patient person, I get this from my mother.  I remember being out shopping with her, she pressed the button for the lift and when it didn't arrive immediately she exclaimed 'Oh for gods sake!' (it had been approximately 10 seconds)

The waiting is killing me.  I cannot concentrate on anything today.  Luckily or maybe not so luckily today is my day off & the writing group I should have been at this morning I couldn't go to as my biggest girl is off sick (running hot, headache, your standard cold really - as an aside I can't believe I let her have a day off with a cold, I literally had to be half dead to get a day of sick when I was younger.  My mum would feel my head, and state without even looking at me 'You're not running a temperature'.  This has stayed with me as even as an adult I would feel like death warmed up but would be saying to my colleagues 'Am I hot?  Am I running a temperature?' needing a 'grown up' to tell me to go home if I were ill.)

Over the past week I have desperately tried to avoid crossing any bridges (a favourite occupation of my mum & sister's).  We must not get ahead of ourselves has been my mantra.  My mum has been really worrying about whether she will lose her hair - her worst nightmare - but, as I keep saying we don't know what we're dealing with yet.  She didn't need chemotherapy last time, she may not need it now. 

Talking to a friend earlier I was trying to explain how I feel about it all.  The not knowing is the worst bit.  I know that when we know what we're dealing with we can get on with it.  We can make practical plans and put things into action.  That is the eye of the storm.  The waiting beforehand and the fallout afterwards are far worse as you are dreading the worst & when you fall apart a bit as you realise what you've just been through.  But somewhere in the middle when you're just getting on with things is calmer.  At the moment I know the storm is coming I just don't know when it is going to hit