What do I do now?

(note - this was written in September 2021.  I then I had an attack of paranoia about whether someone from my old work may be able to find this so I took it down again.  Have realized I was just being paranoid because they wont, but even if they did I haven't said anything that isn't true)

This week has been a momentous week. Last Wednesday I turned 48, finally feeling like I've grown into my moniker (started as a joke as my husband was forever telling me we were old in our 30's and the fact my sister called me a f**king drama queen during an argument - heh, that was from her!). I woke up feeling old, for the first time ever. 

Today, following a week of annual leave, I went back to work. Prior to my week off I was pretty stressed it had been manic and I was struggling to get the information I needed from colleagues. I got into work and one of the bosses called me, suggesting we have a catch up. we tried zoom but his zoom needed updating, he is quite impatient, he can’t wait for that so he called me back.

 "It's not working out is it?" he tells me “can I clear my desk, hand my keys in to a colleague.  They will pay me to the end of the month”.   Oh, so this is what being sacked feels like. 

 I haven't made any big mistake but I've made some small ones. Some typos in emails, a misfiled invoice, a credit note filed in September when he thinks it should have been in August (this credit note did fall into the latter month because of when it was issued - "do I know what a credit note is?!" - yes, of course I do). 

 I have sealed my fate with 1000 papercuts. 

He “is sorry, I AM lovely, it's been lovely to work with me” - hollow laugh "that’s obviously not true is it?"  “It isn’t me, it’s them, the job is hard, it’s vast, they are part of the problem and they need someone to take it all in hand” and me, in my 11 months there, I haven’t  managed to do it. 

 I am devastated. I really care. I feel like I have let them down. 

I am relieved, small company means small company politics where a typo is screen grabbed and then WhatsApp’d to a group to comment “please can you be more careful in future” so everyone can see you being chastised.  I can live without that.

 I am fucking furious. The job is is hard work but it isn't hard. I battled to get information out of them. I pretty much had no training at all. Lately one of their wives has been in the office to help me but it was sporadic, I never knew what days she'd be in, and she would fanny about doing stuff for the website, send a few emails and tell them off when she could see when they weren't communicating. 

At one point one of the bosses told me part of my job was to earwig and read people's minds, a joke I thought at the time, but maybe not? So what I had a typo in an email. They have both done the same or made a mistake on a rota or accidentally  double  booked people (which I spotted and fixed). 

The problem is I wasn’t keeping score.  

I started this job mid pandemic and everyone but me got furloughed a mere weeks into me starting. When I was told to shield I was furloughed for a month on reduced pay (despite me knowing that others on furlough were on 100%, I was the one emailing the payroll across for processing). I didn’t get a chance to become part of the gang so was forever on the edges. I think this is the problem. 

 So I was in work at 9.25. I was home by about 10.15 having cleared my desk and driven home weeping.

 And now what? I'm lucky I don't need to rush and get any job, I can be choosier. But I have no idea what I want to do now. 

My husband suggested I do a course.  

My sister suggested I speak to a life coach.

I just want to curl up in a ball. I feel ashamed and old and useless and I have no idea what I want to do now I'm a grown up.

Don't look back, you're not going that way

 It's been forever hasn't it?  So much has happened  and yet I have felt unable to write.  Life has given me writers block.   Personal events made it hard to write the words down, as if committing them to type would make everything all the more real (and it was all a bit too real at the time), but now I am going to give it a go and get some stuff out.  I can hear my husband and my counsellor cheering in my head at the thought of me writing again.  Even if its just for me and its going out into the void.

Anyway, here goes nothing.

 In recent years I involved in a court case.  This in itself sounds like something fairly insignificant, a throw away line, but the reality is it was something that took over my life for many years. 

I was initially made a statement to the police in 2016 regarding something that happened to my sister and then they told me there were offences against me and they could build a case for me too.  It's a weird feeling when the police tell you you are a victim, for most of my life I had minimized and deflected in an attempt to protect myself and this opened up all sorts of things for me that I had buried years ago.

Over 2 years of waiting to get to court, at times it felt like we may never get there.  The police couldn't find the perpetrator for quite some time and after they did they found more victims so wanted to parcel us all into the same case, strength in numbers, so all that took time.

We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where we were waiting for the CPS to finalize the charges, where we were promised it would happen before the holiday, but then the woman dealing with the case just went on leave and so it never happened.  

He was charged with 18 offences in January 2018 and we finally went to court in the scorching hot July of 2018.  Five victims who were for the most part unrelated, all saying the same thing about this man.  

I arrived in London on the Monday night and had to I hang around for a week waiting to give evidence, desperately trying to distract myself from what was ahead of me.

When I eventually gave evidence I was shit scared.  I had made the decision very early on that I didn't want a screen up.  I wanted to see him.  I wanted to be able to look him in the eye and for him to know that it was me who had help put him in the stand.  This man had been the bogeyman for so long I needed to see what a pathetic old man he was.  It was very cathartic to do so.  To be able to stand there and tell the truth.  I was on the stand for about 40 minutes.  The defense lawyer tried to tie me in knots but failed.  My friend and I still laugh about "the carnation defense", a moment where the lawyer tried to tell me that I hadn't mentioned carnations before (it really is this level of nit picking) and I pointed out that I had mentioned pinks, which are a type of carnation.  It felt like a 'mic drop' moment.  When I came off the stand I felt like I was invincible. I head home feeling like I could take on the world and wait 2 more weeks to hear the verdict

Little did I know what would happen.  The trial would turn out  a fucking disaster, it overran, the jury looked disinterested, it was so damn hot.  Somehow there was some confusion and the judge was persuaded to give them a day off in the middle of the deliberation.  They deliberated for approximately a day and a half and they came back with acquittal on 3 and hung jury on the rest of the charges.  I couldn't believe it.  Had they not been in the same court room as us? How could they not see the pattern in his behaviour?  

Of the 3 acquittals, one of which was against me and 2 against two of the other women.  It was at this point that I discovered that despite being told that had been 3 offences against me, he had only been charged with one.  So that was it,  game over for me.  I kind of unraveled a bit at this point. 

But, there was to be another trial the following January.  I would still have to give evidence to support my sister but had to go into another trial knowing what was awaiting me, knowing that I was going to have to face him and that we both knew what he had gotten away with.

This hung over me for another 6 months.   I said at the time, it felt like I was made to unpack everything and then once everything was out all over the floor was told, if you could just pack that back up we will see you in 6 months time.

Another Christmas with this hanging over me, it wasn't pretty.  

So January arrived and we head back to London again.  This second trial ran smoother, more efficiently.  The judge, we are told is tough, he is taking no nonsense at all.  I give evidence again, the defense lawyer twists my words, tries to trip me up, but I am not scared, I don't have lies to trip me up, this is my truth.  I get to say the thing I have always wanted to say to HIM, I know what he is.  I look him in the eye when I say that.  I fucking hate him, I can feel it pulsing through my veins.  I leave the stand and this time I don't feel invincible because I don't trust the system.  I am scared, what if this jury can't see what he is?

The case for the prosecution is done in the first week.  Week 2 they rattle through the defense and the jury go out on the Wednesday.  

I don't know why but I decide to come back for the verdict this time, I was so complacent first time round, trusting those 12 people to make the right decision.  I get the train back to London and as the jury goes out there starts the longest 3 days of my life.  We are stuck in a tiny room, lots of bodies,  including the detective on the case, the radiator is set to hell.  My sister has bought knitting needles and wool so we can all pass the time knitting.  I start and undo a scarf about 10 times before giving up.  On the first day I have with me books, magazine, knitting to help me pass the time.  By the second day I give up the idea that I can do anything other than just sit there waiting.  I can't concentrate.  My sister's knitting is going billy-o, every time someone passes they comment on how far she's got, its her justice scarf she tells them.  

On day 3 we are told there is a delay because one of the jurors has failed to turn up.  I have the fear.  After a couple of hours the judge dismisses him (police later go to his house and he has had a seizure - I often wonder now how he is).  We are also told that the judge has promised another juror member that they will be able to attend a funeral on Monday, shit, they are dropping like flies!  And then we hear everyone being called back into court.  The detective disappears and then texts us from the court room - VERDICTS!

I lift my bag, and me and my sister RUN through the court house, along the corridor, up the stairs, and collapse into the gallery.  Out of breath we look down and see that we have beaten the judge into court.  HE looks up at us from the dock.  I shake my head at him.

The judge comes in.  The jury give their verdicts.  We can hardly hear.  The detective glances up at us and a small smile flickers on her mouth.  Guilty on all charges.  Sentencing will happen the next morning.  When the judge remands him in custody we all cheer.  He looks up at us and shakes his head.  I nod.  Got you, you fucker.

On 1st February 2019 he gets sentenced to 18 years which get reduced to 16 due to his age and ill health.

Now, I know that he will probably only serve half of that, but he is stuck in prison.  He has been stuck in prison for 2 years now - during a pandemic (must be really scary to be locked in with a deadly virus running rife), during this heatwave that we are having this weekend.

I try not to think about him as I have gradually picked up all my pieces and move on with my life, but I give a glancing thought about him on a scorching hot day like today where I get to sit in my garden, finally writing again, sipping an ice cold beer because I have the freedom to do so.  Karma is a bitch.

Getting my glow on

I have a new love.  Well, not such a new love, I have been fairly smitten the past year or so.  My new love leaves me flushed, sweaty and breathless.  I'm unashamed, declaring my obsession on social media.  It reminds me of being young, it makes me smile.

My new(ish) love is called exercise.  Its mental, I know, if you knew me you wouldn't believe it  but something had to give and despite not yet reaching waif like proportions I am heading in the right direction.  My particular passion is a class called Clubbercise.  Think aerobics, in the dark, with glow sticks to dance music.  It really is as epic as it sounds.  So Wednesday nights & some Thursdays I dance like nobody is watching and they really aren't because we're in the dark, with glow sticks!

My favourite tracks are the 80s/90s ones as they take me back.  I particularly love love Born Slippy by Underworld.  This takes me back to 1996.  My final year at uni, Trainspotting,  a mad night of comedy, preview tickets for a midnight showing and piling round to someone's house drinking & playing the rizla game (without rizlas).  This song lets me turn my brain off and go for it.  I have laughed so many times that if my 20 something self could see 40 something me doing jumping jacks to lager, lager, lager instead of drinking lager, lager, lager she would be in hysterics.   And you know she'd be right.  It is funny and fun.  I still like the odd pint of lager lager lager but I wouldn't trade the jumping jacks ever.

limbering up

It's been a while and I'm a bit nervous.  I'm out of practice, I could do myself an injury.  I need to have a stretch and warm up.  What if I cant remember how to do it?  What if its rubbish?  who says it wasn't rubbish before? - oh the devil on my shoulder is having a field day!

I don't know why I stopped writing once we moved, maybe it was because I was using all my energy keeping things together, fending off my homesickness, looking for a job, spending all my spare time watching box sets.  Maybe I lost confidence.  Maybe I cant allow myself to do things I enjoy (the latter theory has surfaced during a counselling session for an unrelated matter.

I love writing.  Its something that I do.  I love London, I'm a Londoner,  who no longer live in London, am I still a Londoner?  Who am I now?  What I want to do when I grow up?  Too many questions and not enough answers. 

If I write and I try and I fail then I've failed haven't I?  If I don't write, but spend my spare time watching Elementary then I'm not a failed writer, am I?

New Girl

Well it's been a while hasn't it? Life has been moving at break neck speed. 

Lots to write about but the main headlines are:

I am officially middle aged as I have just celebrated my 41st birthday.  Obviously most of my 40 before I'm 40 list are languishing discarded.I did have a party, I had a blast.

I have moved house.  In January we decided enough was enough with this divided family routine and so bought a house & we relocated in the summer.  Yes me, towny southern girl, moved away from the bustle to a small market town in the midlands. There isn't even a station here.  The buses run hourly.  There is a weekly market which consists of about 8 stalls.  Its nice.  Its different.  Its not London. Thats not a criticism and yet it is.  The bustle is programmed into my very being and so it is quite a readjustment.  Girls 1 & 2 seem to be settling in quite quickly but me, what do I do? 

There aren't many times as a grown up where you consciously make new friends, you tend to pick them up along the way; at university, at different jobs, doing hobbies and activities.  The last time I consciously made new friends was when my eldest daughter was born and we were all bound together with the shared fear and unknown of having a first child.   I am now in a position where I know no one.  Not a soul, other than my husband and to be honest the playground can be a really lonely place without having someone to simply smile hello to.  And its not as if people are unfriendly, its maybe that lives are just busy or having lived round here all their lives they have no empathy for someone who knows no one.

Mr D is fairly self sufficient, he moved around so much as a child he thinks he doesn't need people, he has friends, old friends but doesn't really deem friends necessary.  But no man is an island, especially not me, I need people.  Life is too lonely without someone to talk to.  

After having a particularly shitty school run the other week, where no one even made eye contact with me, I'd had enough.  My mum phoned and I burst into tears. "I thought this would happen at some point" she said.  Fed up of being told 'It'll take time' I decided to do something about it and arranged to join a group which was meeting the next night.  I don't know if I changed or what but the next morning we ran into a child from Girl 2s class who lives round the corner.  His mum is lovely, we walked to and from school, she introduced me to people.  I went to the group that night and meet women, several of whom have recently moved here.  One in particular swapped numbers with me and we arranged to meet for coffee. 

Its weird isnt it at the start of a friendship, almost like a courtship, how long do you leave it before texting or friend requesting? don't want to seem too desperate, don't want to seen aloof.  Early stages you dont want to scare them off with neediness or misjudged humour.  Trying to play it cool but wanting to cling on shouting "A friend, a friend, I've made a friend!". 

But low and behold I think I may have the beginnings of friendship. A spark that needs to be nurtured with coffee and cake and shared experience. She has recently moved into the area and despite being on talking terms with many feels alone in the crowd.  I have someone to say hello to. 

15 years

When I heard that James Gandolfini had died this week of a heart attack at 51 my dad was all I could think about.  Dad died aged 52 of a massive heart attack on 21st June 1998.  That makes today the 15th anniversary of his death.

15 years seems so significant, such a big number.  I feel like it was yesterday.  I feel like it was forever ago.

I was 24 (almost 25) when he died and his passing no doubt shaped me into who I am today.

It was Father's Day & for once we were all together at my sister's house for lunch.  For once we had made a really big fuss of him.  We sat & had Mexican food, we talked, we laughed.  Dad then went upstairs for a nap, the rest of us were going to go for a walk, it was a gorgeous day.  My mum went up to talk to him before we went out and then called down to us, she was panicked.  And I knew that something awful had happened from the tone of her voice. I knew.

We went upstairs & he wasn't really conscious, he was a horrible colour and he breathing was laboured.

My sister called for an ambulance, I shouted at him to breathe.  My other sister waited outside for them to arrive.  The ambulance came & we all decamped to the living room.  They didn't want us to see them trying to revive him, and then to try and get my father, a large man, down the narrow stairs.  My older sister kept on saying 'whatever happens it's for the best'.  

My mum went in the ambulance with dad & my soon to be brother in law.  I followed with my sisters. 

They took us through to a family room off A&E.  He was in crash.  "He wouldn't like that" Mum said "anyone who goes into crash on Casualty is a gonner he says".  Turns out he was right.

 The next few hours was a blur of phone calls ringing people to tell them.  I volunteered to break the news to my grandparents and their reaction will haunt me forever.

I can't really put into words how my world crashed down around me when he was gone.  My Dad.  My Daddy.  I kind of lost focus for a while

But life does go on and time does make things a bit easier to bear.  Anniversaries and special occasions bring it back. And music.  I can't hear The Beatles without thinking of him.

So much has happened in the past 15 years.  Me & my sisters have all got married since he died.  We've had 7 children between us.  My mum has had breast cancer twice.  We really could have done with having him around.  Even if he was a pain in the arse sometimes and told embarrassing stories and naff jokes and made me rub his feet all the time.  I miss him.

My heart goes out to James Gandolfini's family and their loss.

Blurred lines

I have a song completely stuck in my head.  I wake up humming it.  Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke (who?) & Pharrell Williams. 
 
I love love LOVE the song but hate hate HATE the video.  Rated or Unrated versions feature the very handsome Misters Thicke & Williams suited & booted and looking very hot dancing with 3 very beautiful & young models who are scantily clad in the rated version or topless in the unrated one.

I saw an interview with Robin Thicke in which he said the fact that he, Pharrell & T.I. (the guy rapping) are all married make it perfectly OK.  He thinks that having 3 middle aged men (can you believe that Pharrell Williams was born in 1973?) with near naked young girls is funny like Benny Hill.  I think the mistake that Mr Thicke is making is that Benny Hill was from the 70s where casual sexism was the norm. And lets not forget Benny Hill was not really very funny.

So it's meant to be funny or tongue in cheek.  I read that they wanted to make it as outrageous as possible, Mr Thicke has said about it "It is mostly throwaway fun, but naturally Pharrell and I - being in love with our wives, having kids and loving our mothers - we have a lot of respect for women.". 

I can't say that really comes across Robin with the naked dancing girls and the helium balloons spelling out 'ROBIN THICKE HAS A BIG DICK'   

The only really blurred line here being whether this is funny or grossly sexist

 

To me it smacks of a cynical marketing ploy.  How many hits has it received?  And the "unrated" version has been "banned" from YouTube - however is extremely easy to find as if you find the video on YouTube there is a link attached to take you to Vevo to view it.  Along with the hash tags plastered across it all (I haven't searched for it on twitter yet but as sure it's at saturation point.  

Robin Thicke has said that his wife OK'd him doing the naked video & even came up with some of the ideas for it, and that having half-naked women pouring themselves over him is in no way sexist and he jokes that “If that’s sexism then so is everything inside the Louvre.” 

Hmmmn.  I'm not entirely sure that, that argument washes.  He can't possibly be suggesting (even in jest) that this pop promo is art can he?

I really am not a prude but come on it's 2013.

Like I say I love the song, it's fun, it's catchy, it is a real earworm.  I would rather have just looked at Robin & Pharrell for the duration of the song.  Or would that be objectifying them?

 Hey hey hey

Listmania continues. Bands I've seen

I found this lurking around in my draft posts.  Yet another list born out of the Listography exercise we had done at my writing group. I definitely should buy this book, such a unique form of diary.  The thought of future generations reading all about my claims to fame or drunken moments makes me smile.  The idea that I won't just be a photo in a album but a rounded person appeals to me.  

So today is Bands that I've seen.  So in no particular order & also including individual artistes..  

1) PULP at the BIC, Finsbury Park, Brixton Academy (amazing venue but the sloping floor kill your calf muscles), Wireless Festival in Hyde Park, Brixton Academy (again) - I kind of love them. Jarvis Cocker; funny, clever, slightly odd but damn sexy (even with a beard)

 I was closer to the front than this!

2) Summer XS at Wembley Stadium the bill included Debbie Harry in fishnets & with a whip.  I was always a huge Blondie fan.

3) The Hothouse Flowers

4) Jesus Jones

5) Jellyfish - I loved that album

6) and INXS.  Amazing.  When they came on stage I heard someone screaming their head off.  Turns out it was me.  Michael Hutchins was sex on legs.  Beautiful.

7) Went to see U2 at Wembley Stadium for the Zoo TV tour.  They were amazing.  We ended up in corralled in a standing section at the front.  I went with a friend who was a huge fan & his face lit up like a small boy when they came on stage.  We missed the last train home & so I had to call my dad who got to Charing Cross in about 20 minutes (from the 'burbs) & then ended dropping everyone home.

8) They were supported by Big Audio Dynamite 2 (yeah me neither) who started every track with their back to the audience & then turned round.  I was really gutted because Bjork supported on one of the other nights.

9) PJ Harvey whilst she was still grungy & had very hairy arm pits.

10) Dodgy played at a ball at university.  Thinking about this makes me smile as a) whenever my parents back out of our drive at home onto the busy road they always said "Shhhh.  DODGY" and also because someone I know got caught shagging up against their van at the ball.

11) The drummer from The Fratelli's played at a wedding I was at

12) I went to see Cliff Richard when I was about 10.  I wasn't really a fan but my friend's mum was a huge fan.  We liked the laser show.

13) Have seen loads of bands at Proms in the Park (besides the BBC orchestra).  Lionel Ritchie who was fab

14) Jools Holland with his big band (& Sam Browne) who get everyone up & dancing on a freezing cold evening in Hyde Park

15) Simply Red - "Simply awful" we said

16) The Bootleg Beatles - it amused me that they stayed in character in between songs

17) Bjorn again - ditto

18) The Tide - a covers band at a pub at Stockwell.  They were great. We were very drunk.  They left the stage like rock stars grabbing people's hands.

19) James performing at the BBC

20) Natalie Imbruglia at The Town & Country Club (not sure if it still was called that then).  I sat next to a very strange middle aged man who called out "Natalie!" to himself and whenever she said "Thank you" he said "No, thank you"

21) Kylie Minogue at Wembley Arena.  I was 18.  It was during her faux Madonna phase.

22) At the Pulp Finsbury Park gig Catatonia - supported.  I love Ceris.  I sang along to all the songs in a dodgy Welsh accent (well you have to don't you)

23) Bernard Butler also supported Pulp.  He got really pissy as he was on earlier on in the day & people were just sitting around and not paying full attention to him.

24) Grace Jones supported Pulp at Wireless.  She was amazingly nuts, hoola hooping in a leotard.

25) I went to the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party in 1991.  I can't remember who performed apart from Carter USM as one of them rugby tackled Phillip Schofield

26) Went to see Jason Donovan in Joseph (not sure if that's cheating)

27) Prince at Earls Court.  He was AMAZING.  Midget man oozed sex appeal.  Diamonds & Pearls

28) Blur at the Town & County club, early days when they had only released one single.  I went with my friend who I was secretly in love with.  We watched several really shit support bands, my friend's friends drank too much cider & threw up, my friend came out to me & we left before Blur came on.

29) S Club 7 - my friend got tickets.  We were the oldest ones there without kids.

30) S Club Juniors did their first performance there

31) Badly Drawn Boy at an Amnesty International gig.  He was brilliant & very funny.  He started a Mexican wave.

32) Kelly Jones also performed at that gig. Gorgeous voice, handsome man.

33) Lick who were a 90s band, in a place in Camden

34) Freak Power played at my Fresher's Ball at university.  

I couldn't remember what this track was called until I googled it

35) Take That as a 4 at the Milton Keynes Bowl.  Went with 2 other friends we got horribly lost on the way there and couldn't believe the ice cream van there charged £3.50 for a 99!!

36) They were supported by Beverly Knight 

37) and the Sugababes who did a cover of Obsession which is probably my favourite 80's/one hit wonder ever

 (obviously not the Sugababes but I love love this song)

38) Take That as a 5 at Wembley Stadium.  AMAZING

39) Robbie Williams performed a set on his own. Always my favourite but a bit of a Sweary Mary that night

40) Supported by The Pet Shop Boys who were camp, quirky & fabulous.

41) Roger Walters performing The Wall at the O2.  The night before all of Pink Floyd joined him on stage.  Seats so high in the gods I was afraid I would fall.  Went with Mr D his thing really, if I'm honest I found it a bit dull (but shhh don't mention that to him)

When I first started doing this I was under the impression that I haven't been to many gigs, but on reflection maybe I have seen one or two. Undoubtedly I've missed some off the list and there are still gigs I would love to go to.  I think this list proves that my taste in music is eclectic.

Moral Conundrum

Is it wrong for me to dislike a child? Not hate as hate is too strong a word, but be really really irritated by them?  And this isn't even my own child (god knows I can be irritated by them when they don't listen or leave toys all over the floor or kick off when you're in the supermarket...)

No, this is a friend of my biggest girl, lets call her Sally.  A year older than my gorgeous girl, Sally seems to throw her weight around as she "is the oldest".  Divisive & manipulative I watch this child coercing my girl into games or situations I can tell that she would rather not be involved in.  She tells tales on my youngest daughter which grates on me a lot as I keep pointing out to this girl, my smallest girl may not be the best behaved child but she is half her age so she needs to cut her some slack.

Girl 1 comes home with stories of how Sally has sent people over to ask her to play with her or declared that she has no other friends & demands that my girl stops what she is doing / who she is playing with and fall in with whatever this other girl wants.  The emotional blackmail sets me teeth on edge.  I am trying so hard not to say anything negative about this girl, I know she is not my friend so I don't necessarily have to like her but still...

I have tried to talk around the point that maybe it's not very fair that Sally wants her to drop her other friends whenever she clicks her fingers & I think it's sinking in a bit.  My girl recently negotiated with Sally that either she join in with the existing game or she would play with her another day.  A very proud mummy moment there. 

But disliking a child makes me feel like a bad person.  She is after all 9 and therefore 30 years younger than me.  Maybe I should cut her some slack?

All my best stories start with I hadn't had much for tea & then I started drinking....

**DISCLAIMER**
If you are my mother you might not want to read the following...

So hello, I've been a bit slack of late with my blogging as real life or RL keeps getting in the way (can you tell I've been reading fan fiction recently - a post about which is brewing....).  My writing group has kind of petered out of late which I was sad about, I'm missing that outlet.  But today I had lunch & a catch up with my writing mentor/teacher/friend.  We were chatting & I mentioned I'd made loads of notes recently for my blog based on the Listography exercise we had done which started all my Claims to Fame posts  but not written stuff up. So when I got home I had a flick through my notes & found this..

So the idea of the list was drunken moments but I realised that all my best stories begin with 'I hadn't had much for tea (& then I started drinking)...' so I compiled a top ten (in no particular order).
 
1) ... I went to a party at my ex boyfriends house.  I drank a litre of wine in about 20 minutes (he was ignoring me/I was bored/ I was REALLY thirsty).  Feeling slightly unwell he escorted me to the bathroom whereby I turned away from the toilet at a crucial moment & vomited on him (classy eh?).  And I wondered why it didn't last?

2)...I had a few drinks and ended up dancing on a table at a wedding in a very short dress.  (A dress that my mother deemed OK as long as I didn't raise me arms above me head.  Cue me on table dancing arms above head.)

3)...I got drunk at my leaving drinks from a job, my then boyfriend (Now Mr D) took me for food to try & sober me up.  I fell asleep in Pizza Hut, head on table so we had to take the pizza to go.  When I woke up the next day I found the pizza on the kitchen table & asked my bf why he hadn't given it to a homeless person.  Apparently I had actively stopped him from doing that.

4) ...On my way home tipsy from '1 drink' after work (no such thing), I hiccuped & puked down myself.  I immediately sobered up & agreed with everyone around me who were giving me 'you're disgusting' looks.

5) ...when I woke up the morning after a party in a room full of people wearing only my pants & a sheet. (luckily innocent explanation for this)

6) ...had the same conversation with a friend at a party 3 times word for word.  By the end he was finishing my sentences & I thought he was psychic.

7) ...I conceived a 2nd child. (that was a good holiday)

8) ....I was seen drooling against a cab window by a work colleague.  A very handsome work colleague.

9) ....I kissed a (girl) friend as a dare.  Hilarious photographic evidence discovered recently whilst going through a box of old photos.  You can see we are cracking up, the funny thing is the male friend who is gazing on intently

10) ...I kissed a gay man.  I had no idea he was gay.  I was introduced to him several weeks later & I pointed out we had 'met' before he said "Oh, so you're the one!"

I am in no way advocating this sort of behaviour, I was very lucky that nothing really untoward happened to me, but I think it's quite common to go through a faze like this when you're younger & exploring your limits.  Of course I don't do that kind of thing these days* I am a grown up.

However, I will ensure that my children never hear about these stories & if anyone tried to tell them I will deny all knowledge. 

What are your best stories?


* well very rarely

** Mum I told you not to read this!**

tape girl

I was having a clear up (again) in my bedroom & found a bag of cassettes (I was going to write stumbled across but that made it sound like I'd fallen over them - "I'm not surprised" I can hear my mum saying "the state of your bedroom")

Now for any young drama queens out there cassettes are an audio format (a bit like a CD but older) & if you wanted to record anything to you to press record & play at the same time on your tape recorder.  You could record tape to tape at high speed on fancy stereos (think old school ipod) & the music sounded like Pinky & Perky (...oh never mind).

This treasure trove of nostalgia included:


The original Now That's What I Call Music - which reminded that side B of cassette 2 was always the dodgy side

A tape of some friends from university's band - which I still love & I wish I had the kit & know how to digitize it as I would share it as they are great.

A cassette of Mick Brown dedicating 'Rush Hour' to me & my sister number 10 in my last claim to fame list

A load of compilation tapes that I made years ago & although it's a dead format I cannot bear to throw them away.

It reminded me that I used to cut out photos from magazines for covers for my tapes

but I also used to name my compilations

this one is called Jason Donovan's Chest because that's what's on the cover (going for the Ronseal approach)

Lurking at the bottom of the pile were two tapes which I knew even before looking at the track list were heart break tapes.  

The first one 'Emotions' is your standard fare of weepy mix tape; some early Beatles tracks, Everything But the Girl (before they  went all dance on us), Crowded House & Simply Red.  I barely remember what heartbreak it was over (but think I can guess because of the inclusion of the Simply Red track).  But if it was that guy I'm wondering, why was I tormenting myself over him?  He was a dick.  I didn't love him, I liked him, he made me laugh (sometimes), but he was definitely not worthy of my tears.

The other one is just labelled Summer 95 and this one is properly sad.  I know by the date (as well as the contents) what this one is all about). 
I can just picture that poor sad little drama queen listening to her tape weeping into her pillow, nursing a broken heart.  A good cry can be so cathartic to get it (them) out of your system, but there is a fine line & I'm sure on occasion I crossed over to wallowing in it. 

Being that I probably unkindly dissected a mix tape an old girlfriend made for Mr D I thought I would share the track list:


Side A
Return to Innocence - Enigma (I know but that would fall into one of the songs HE liked)
Cross My Heart - Everything But The Girl
Love is Here Where I Live - EBTG
Apron Strings - EBTG (obviously working my way through the Everything But The Girl back catalogue)
Everybody Hurts - REM (guaranteed weepy.  I want this song at my funeral.  I want EVERYONE to cry)
No Need to Argue - The Cranberries
Jealous Guy - John Lennon
You've Got Me Thinking - The Beloved (classic of the time)
Favourite T - The Lemonheads
Bell Bottomed Tear - The Beautiful South
Linger - The Cranberries
Caroline - Misty Oldland (yeah, me neither)


Side B
I Need Your Loving - Baby D (original is better)
Badhead - Blur
Take a Bow - Madonna
No More I Love Yous - Annie Lennox
Back For Good - Take That
Sour Times - Portishead (got to love a bit of Portishead)
Driving With The Brakes On - Del Ametri
Across The Universe - The Beatles (another on the list for my funeral - love love this song)
Heaven Help Me - EBTG (again!)
The World Is Stone - Cyndi Lauper
They Dance Alone - Sting

I did say I have eclectic taste in music (Mr D insists that means it's a mix of good & shit). An unusual mix I'll admit but the odd gem in there.


Just in case you need a good cry. 

 Hopefully it falls under the 'good' music in my collection x

Claims to fame part 3 (this has surely got to be the last one...)

Well hello, it's been a while hasn't it?  Life has been getting in the way a bit but thought I really should get back into this blogging malarkey.  

I've realised I'm getting nowhere with my 40 before I'm 40 challange & so I've spent the last few days looking into how I'm going to organize a kick ass party. That's a huge headache isn't it as trying to co-ordinate dates with friends holidays & I think some people that I really want to be there aren't going to be able to make it.  And then there's the whole dilemma of kids/no kids?  My biggest girl gave me sad eyes when I floated the idea of a grown ups only party but I'm really liking the idea of taking off my mummy badge for a night & letting my hair down...

Anyway, following my claims to fame part one & two I have managed to scrap the bottom of the barrel and dredge up some more claims to fame to complete my trilogy of blog posts

1.  Joan Collins was in front of me in a queue in the food hall in M&S Marble Arch.  Well technically she was 2 people ahead of me but the woman in front of me freaked out when she saw who it was & ran off (leaving her shopping on the conveyor belt).

2. Saw Willem Dafoe in a dim sum restaurant in Soho looking like himself.

3.  Peter Purvis refused my offer to iron his shirts

4. Buster Bloodvessle from Bad Manners going into a bank.

5. Nicky Campbell - took himself too seriously

6. Alasdair Stewart - loud & very friendly

7. Carol Volderman -she did her own make up (& was very orange)

8. I saw Geoff Capes open a May fair when I was a kid

9. Ruby Wax & Gary Rhodes who were filming a sketch together for comic relief.  You could tell she hated him.

10. Met Mick Brown who played "Rush Hour" by Jane Wiedlin as a request for me & my sister

 

 remember this one?

11.  I was factious to Andy Crane when I was about 15

16.  Saw the band James in a BBC tea bar

17. Met Stephanie Lowe (Mrs Phillip Schofield), Andi Peters & Simon Parkin who used to present 'But First This'

18. Jimmy Carr took the piss out of me because I laughed too loud & too long at a joke about cystitis.

19. Ben Shepherd said hello to me on some rushes I was transcribing

20. I ignored Caroline Aherne in reception at ITV

21. I saw Brenda Blethyn outside a pub in South East London

22. I worked with Ricky Grover who was an audience warm up man but he later played Andrew Cotton in Eastenders

23. A actress who auditioned for a student production of mine & I didn't cast for the project went on to be in  Queer as Folk & Spooks (obviously crushed by my rejection).

I think that has got to be that for now.  But what are your claims to fame?  The dodgier the better as far as I'm concerned xx

picture perfect

I've been having a sort out at home.  On Sunday me & my mum started sifting through 2 huge cardboard boxes of photos I have with the view to putting them into albums. What a strange outdated concept that is these days, the only albums I've put together in recent years is on Facebook.  

It's amazing how many I have not in albums & I kept thinking how did I afford to buy film/get them processed when I was a student?  But am glad I did or I would be without the photographic evidence of our Vicars & Tarts party (so much blackmail potential for so many people) and other drunken moments.
 
So we looked & remembered & laughed.  I did throw away some (out of focus, blurry self portraits, I even was daring enough to throw away a photo of my sister's ex boyfriend who I hated).  

I then pulled out a pile of great photos and packed the rest back into the boxes (now only a box & a half, see some progress!) and put them away.  Albums will wait for another day.

I then took photos of the select few & posted them on Facebook.  Cue reminiscing & anecdotes from friends.  A productive afternoon then. ;)

6pm? but in old money it's really only 5pm

So the clocks went forward on Sunday and I don't know about you but when the clocks change in our house we tend to spend he next few days justifying not being hungry/being hungry, being tired/not being tired with pointing out what the time would have been the day before "ah, yes but it's only 6.30 really so that's why the kids don't want to go to bed...".  

It reminds me of how my parents, having lived though the change to the metric system would always tell you the price of things in 'old money'.  "25p that's 5 shillings" and my dad would forever tell us about how "we were done" as 2 old pence and 2 new pence changed in value.  

I was quite relieved when the UK opted out of the Euro as I feared I would forever be telling my children 10 € that's about 8, 7, 6, 5....(well who knows the way things are going) pounds in old money.

Goodbye

Today has been really sad for me.  I had to say goodbye (for now) to my lovely friend Lakota who is moving 60 odd miles away tomorrow.  

I have known her for 8 years & for the past 5 our youngest offspring have been inseparable.  My smallest girl maintained that she was going to marry her son for a long time (although she has now moved on to make 'goo goo eyes' at a different boy in her class).

Any one who reads her blog Faith Hope & Charity Shopping will know how funny & clever & bright she is.  I will really miss her & her sage words of wisdom & listening ears when I carp on about my shit.  She inspired me to start blogging.  And her pithy assessment of things (& people) have me in fits. 

I have been a bit of a soggy mess the past few days.  I could barely speak to her about it before today.  I set several other friends off at school today (& got a hug from my daughter's teacher).  My biggest girl comforted me earlier & my smallest drew me a memory book of things we've done together (like having 'coffy' & 'dinur')

I know, I know it's not the other end of the world & that we will still see each other (a hour or so on the train or quicker if we meet in the middle in London).  I'm really pleased for her & her family as the process of moving has been arduous & they'll be where they want. But for me I am sad.

My life is like Eastenders...

...well what I mean is there are so many moments I can think of when I have expected the duff duff drums & the theme tune to start

There are things that have happened in my life that if I share with other people I have to fight the urge to add the myself (but maybe that's the drama queen in me).  
 
My life is fairly dramatic but not quite as dramatic as this...

there was once a 'he's not my father' (but that's another story).

This past few weeks I have kind of had my fill of drama.  My mum has had a cancerous lump removed from her breast & today embarked on a course of chemo.  The thought of this all has filled me with dread as I know how hard it is going to be for her & how little I can do to help.  Seeing her being unwell is going to be hard, if she is unwell, if she reacts to the medication, who knows?  More waiting to see I guess. 

She's been amazing though.  She went to get her hair done last week as she wanted it to look good before starting the treatment, and she's already planning a spray tan to give a nice bit of colour.  She reassured me the other day that it'll be OK, we'll get through this, which was too topsy turvy for words. I should be the one comforting her but I'm a bit lost for words at the moment, yes a chatterbox like me, I'm grasping for the right thing to say.  I know we will get through this, we're strong.  We have to.

I kind of wish my life was like Eastenders.  I'd really like someone to shout 'cut' and to be able to have a break from it all.

Claims to fame part 2

So on thinking about my previous post about famous people I've encountered I realised that I have missed a few so here is part 2 of my shameless bragging (although to be honest it isn't meant that way - celebrity does not impress me much).

1. Matthew Vaughn & Claudia Schiffer checking in at LAX (they were going 1st class, we were going coach)

2.  Billy Connolly sat 3 seats along from me at a screening of a David Thewlis film during a London Film Festival

3. David Thewlis was also sitting there in the dark.

4. A sparkly suited Ben Elton followed me down a corridor.

5. Len Goodman chirped 'Good evening ladies' at me & a group of friends gate crashing Strictly Come Dancing drinks

6. Scott Maslen (Jack Branning from Eastenders - you know, the one who buggered up his lines in the live episode) posed for a photo with me & my friends at said Strictly Come Dancing drinks we crashed.  I seriously didn't want to be in the picture.  As the photo was taken he squeezed my shoulder & I physically cringed.  (I have photographic evidence.) 

7. I rode Victoria Alcock's horse when I was 10 (she is an actress who has been in Eastenders twice, The House of Elliott & was one of the Julie's in Bad Girls)

8. I was made to drink beer with Eric Knowles

9. I made sandwiches & squash for Johnny Ball

10.  Kerry Katona leaned into an office I was working in & said 'Hiya girls'

11.  I shook Paul Gambocini's hand (he had his eyes shut)

12.  At the National Theatre Brian Blessed queued behind me (he was holding a plastic bag)

13. Floella Benjamin gave me advice about marriage before I got married (never go to bed on an argument)

14. I took phone messages from Ainsley Harriet & Laurence Llewelyn Bowen

15. I talked animatedly with writer Tim Moore (after several lunchtime glasses of red wine) about Footballers Wives & Hollyoaks.

16. I saw Katie Price across a hotel foyer (v orange)

17. Said hello to Peter Andre who is incredibly handsome in real life way more than he appears on tv.

18. Saw Chris Evans across a pub in Belsize Park back in the day.  He was wearing sunglasses indoors.

19. Saw Ant or Dec in the ITV canteen

20.  Went to school with the 2nd girl to play Sam in Eastenders.

40 things to do before I'm 40

The other week I saw an article in the Sunday Times about '40'.  I turn 40 in September so this definitely interested me.  

With the big 4 Oh looming on the horizon (a mere 6 months away) I thought I should set myself some goals.  40 is kind of grown up so what grown up things should I be attempting in the next few months. 

1. Go & see This is 40 (OK start with an easy one & seems an obvious choice)
2. Visit Stockholm.  I have been promising myself this for the past 2 years so better get organised.
3. Lose weight.  I want to be wearing significantly smaller knickers for my birthday party
4. Arrange a kick ass party
5. Write a letter to myself
6. Spend a night in a hotel by myself
7. Drive on the motorway without fearing I'm going to die
8. Climb a mountain
9. Get something published
10. Do a yoga class
11. Learn to make profiteroles (choux pastry scares me)
12. Stop caring what other people think of me
13. Learn to walk in heels
14. Find a 100 movies to watch before you die list & make sure I've watched at least half of them (well I'm middle aged, I have another 40 years to see the rest)
15. Read the all books on my bookshelf
16. To learn to make caramel shortbread
17. To start writing letters again.
18. To start doing sit ups every day. (see no 3)
19. To start reviewing my photos, printing them off & organising them in photo albums (& make an album of my youngest daughter's 1st year as I did for my eldest)
20. To write something every day. (see no 9)
21. Learn to meditate
22. Accept a compliment
23. Sleep under the stars
24. Do an evening class
25. Employ a cleaner
26. Go to the theatre more
27. Buy a piece of art that I love
28. Get a decent pair of jeans that make my bum look great
29. Visit tourist attractions in London that I have never been to
30. Go dancing/ Pull an all-nighter (it's been a few years since I've done that)
31. Go & visit a psychic (they'll be expecting)
32. Cull my facebook friends list & have no guilt in doing so
33. Blog more regularly (see no 20, well maybe not every day)
34. Learn to like myself
35. To be able to fit back into the pelmet skirt I wore when I was 18 (see no 3) & then throw it away as I am too old to wear it!
36. I will buy a full length mirror for my house
37. Go ice skating & not cling on to the side
38. Try something new every week (food/ activity/outlook)
39. Swim in the sea.
40. ???

I am now truly stuck.  Help please, I need suggestions, what do I NEED to do before September?